About me:
Age: 14 (15 soon)
Height: 4'9-5'0
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Weight: underweight
I'm British, I also don't smoke, or drink anything.
No meds, or therapists etc.
I'm pale, and have a bad diet. (Eating like rubbish) and i never go outside. (i'm pale.) and my sleep routine is horrible.
So basically, my dad died back in 2019. From lung cancer. I was 10 at the time, and I already knew he was gonna. You know. And after he died. I couldn't really believe it? but the grief didn't click in, until September / November, of 2019. But then at the time, I started going through really stressful, things like, bullying. Name-calling. Harassment. (These had happened online. I know it may not seem like such a big deal but it ruined my self-confidence, and mental health.) And it got worse in 2020, because I got abused online as well And my mental health, got worse to the point where I had urges to kill / harm myself, (I hardly have them anymore, which I'm glad about. Family issues. Stressed Almost constant crying
(The reasons why I'm saying this, is because it could explain why I'm dealing with the stuff I'm about to put down.)
December, 8th, 2020, was the time I got sick.
It was in my stomach, and I though "oh I'm just sick it will pass", but it just got worse. And it would keep, growling, and I lost my appetite fully and didn't even wanna eat. But the thing I realised was that I was stressed / worried about it. Because I though it was stomach cancer. (Still do.) And it would make me feel like I was gonna throw up,
And in 2021. I still had. It. No appetite still, no nothing. Just feeling sick. But I still ate, and drank everyday. But online stuff happened again. (Which I think made it worse? I don't know. And my mental health worse.) But then I started thinking my stomach was gonna collapse. And I started worrying more about it.
And in this year, same stuff. With my stomach. But in April 2022. I had a panic attack? I also had left arm aches / pains. So basically went downstairs, and told my mum about it. And we started talking, about stuff. And i stood up from the chair, and then all sudden, my head started feeling SUPER weird. And I said "mum my head feels weird!" And she said "your probably having a panic attack." And then i started panicking, and said "mum, mum I think I'm dying!!" And I went down on to the kitchen floor.and my brother said "your fine." And my mum said "this is because of your dad." And then she went to open the door for me to get air. And I still felt weird. And my hands were shaking. (I can't remember but I think my mouth /lips was dry.) But the thing is I felt like I was forcing the shaking. Because I was making myself shake (but again I probably wasn't. I did not do it for attention, I know that would of been bad. etc I was seriously scared, that I was gonna die in front of my mum and brother.) . But when I stopped my body felt like nothing. And my breathing was a bit weird a swell. And my mum was trying to talk me out of it. And then a few minutes later, I went to stand up, and go upstairs, but my whole body, and legs felt weird. Very weird. But then I felt the whole night, watching tiktok to distract myself. But then next day, my mum told my older brother that I was having panic attacks. That same day, I felt like I was freak, out and call an ambulance, because I felt like I was going to die. And I was worrying about my health. (Still do.)
and i am also getting forgetfulness. feeling like something is in my throat for a few minutes, and feeling sweaty,(doesn't last long.) when i panic over something. stuttering, headaches. weird head feelings, and weird feeling slightly under my stomach by my hips. dry, mouth / lips sometimes, and feeling like i will gag? on my foods / drinks now.
And my symptoms kept changing.
And now this year, my symptoms have pretty much changed like they have been.
but my stomach still keeps growling for no reason I lost my appetite, 2-3 years ago when this started, but I feel weird, like very weird like the weird feelings you get when you feel like you're about to end up in a hospital? I can't explain my weird feelings, and I feel like I can't think straight? But I can? But I keep looming at things without blinking for a few seconds and my face was just been blank? In a way, and I'm getting weird fuzzy feelings at the side of my face. and I'm scared I'm dying, or it's an illness. But the weird feelings do go away, but they come back after a few hours, or minutes, I know I need therapy, and help but the waiting lists. I'm trying to learn to cope with it. Because I know it won't go away just by ignoring it, and I know as much as I'm worried for my health know I been through a lot of stress, etc and now I been going puberty for a couple years.Anxiety feels like a nightmare, and I hate it. I wish I could stop feeling constantly weird, and strange etc. It's a very very weird and strange feeling and it's odd. I can't explain anything.
But I can't keep letting it get the best of me because I will just need to learn, to accept it as much as its hard to. I'll just accept it and I'll keep telling my mum for therapy or even see a doctor It's terrifying but i know I can get through this oll run around my house etc etc etc for distractions etc until I can get a therapist which I know will take long, but I hope I won't be like this forever and ever.
And I also have a white patch on my tongue it kinds looks like milk? And sometimes I feel a very weird weird feeling that something will happen? And most times I breathe I feel something in my throat lime its my heart beat? Or if my heart skips a beat or something when I breathe sometimes?
But also a good thing is, is that I can drink and eat fine, and I'm not in any bad pains at all, I just physically feel weird, and I can't explain the feelings. But when I sleep, I wake up In the middle of the night for no reason, so that might be from stress.
Does anybody else experience or know what I mean? I don't know why I keep worrying about my health I constantly seek reassurance and it kinda makes me feel a attention seeker.but i also have this weird cold feeling at my back (the cold feeling you get when you're sick?) but i have it at my back, and i don't have a lot of symptoms of anxiety and it's scaring me. are people different with anxiety and stress? do they have different things with it? because i know everybody is different but i'm still scared.
has anybody else had this? i feel like i'm the only person. i think i actually have a illness or something i just feel sick and strange constantly. but i'm planning on getting stress/anxiety gummies i'm terrified.
and i'm thinking about therapy? but i just wanna take small steps for starters.
and i also never see anybody with this same thing as me so i'm scared.
and my hear also makes a drop feeling, even when my heart isn't racing etc it happens out of nowhere, and it's weird, and when i breathed in, i like felt it in my throat? and i just feel awful, and weird constantly, it sucks. it really does suck. i just feel like i'm gonna die or if i have some type of serious/deadly illness etc, i just want it to stop. i don't even have a clue if this is normal or not. i just hope others have, had the same things/thing has me. it sucks i feel alone. it feels like something is wrong inside my body and i can't explain it i'm so sick of it. i feel like i'm about to die any second.okay my body just did something weird and i think my body just bought something up into my throat? i can't explain it i'm scared. am i okay?
I'm sorry if I'm bothering anybody, I know others have more serious problems but I'm just scared.
should i change my diet, and sleep routine? and get anxiety/stress gummies from amazon? (they probably won't work but i wanna take small steps.)

Here is a rundown of everything so far

1. the meeting: we met at a rave. I was extremely shy and didn't really talk to him much but he was chatting a lot with one of my friends. Whenever I chimed in he immediately put all his attention on me and tried talking to me. I'm a bit awkward when I meet new people and I was pretty taken aback by the obvious attention he was giving me. He went off to dance, and I kinda went to look for him, we chatted a little bit and he then said to me "hey I really like your vibe, I would love to take you out for a drink sometime" I was absolutely flabbergasted and didn't really know how to answer so I said "maybeee" (terrible mistake, I wanted to say yes I was just a bit awkward), anyway I got out my phone told him to add himself as a contact and he also did the same. I gave him a kiss on the cheek goodbye and told him to text me in the morning
2. Date 1: we met at a bar at our university at 5:45pm. Previously we had been texting every single day consistently, he was pretty flirty but also very nice and took an interest to get to know me. We had a pretty light-hearted chat, he made me feel pretty comfortable, I think we were both a bit nervous. We then decided to get dinner together, I insisted I pay for dinner since he had bought all the drinks at the bar. I paid, which I was happy to do and hoped it helped make a good impression. After that he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place and watch a movie. Which I did. We ended up cuddling a lot and made out a bit. I told him I didn't want to go much further. He was very respectful of that. I ended up staying until 1am. He then got me an uber home. Soooo 1st date was about 7 hours long. I think that is a good sign??
3. Date 2: again we had been texting everyday for about a week. Had gotten to know him some more, I would say we have a lot in common, and get along quite well. We had dinner again, he decided to pay this time. We then went out to go see Vivid (light festival type thing in out city), he was very attentive and affectionate the whole time, holding my hand, giving me little kisses here and there (the forehead, the lips, my cheeks). He gave me his jacket at one point, and was very cute about it all, put my arms in, zipped it up for me untucked my hair and gave me a cute forehead kiss. We then decided to go out to a cool alternative nightclub together, got some drinks, danced a bit - it got a little bit hot and heavy, we made out, were pretty touchy with each other. I ended up going over to his place. We cuddled, made out, had sex probably about 3 times, ended up having turns at spooning each other and we were very cuddly and affectionate with each other. We both woke up again in the middle of the night, had sex again. Cuddled more and I ended up falling asleep nice and all snuggled up in his arms. Woke up again in the morning and we were pretty cuddly and had sex 2 more times. I stayed until midday and left soon after that as we both had some things we had to do that day.
4. Currently: we have planned a 3rd date - a study date mixed with dinner afterwards since we both have exams coming up and other than that we've been talking every single day.

Some things I would like other people's insight on...

• that was the first time I've ever had sex with a guy (I've mainly dated girls and had sex with them), so it was a pretty big deal for me. He was really great about it and very respectful and made me feel comfortable.
• he is 8 years older than me - I am 20, he is 28. We spoke a bit about the age difference, alone together we don't really feel all that different, we are both first year med students (he's doing postgrad pathway and I'm doing undergrad pathway). So we feel despite the age difference we're at a similar stage. We both are however worried about judgements from other people.
• I really really like him and want things to go well, not sure if this is too early to tell him but I think I would be interested in having an exclusive relationship with him already. I was happy as he already mentioned introducing me to his friends.
• I really would like to do something to impress him/make him feel special, I have no idea what I can do though

Overall, it would be great to have other people's insights on how these dates are going so far as I am new to dating guys and have only been with women so far.

This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 79%. (I'm a bot)

SINGAPORE: President Halimah Yacob was a people's President who was a strong advocate for social issues long before she was elected, advocates said following her announcement on Monday that she will not be standing for re-election.
Dr Radiah Salim, the founder and president of Club HEAL, a social service agency focused on mental health and wellbeing, described Madam Halimah as a President who was "Very caring, very compassionate and very deeply concerned about Singapore and the people in Singapore".
President of the Singapore Taoist Federation Tan Thiam Lye said that Madam Halimah was committed to safeguarding interfaith harmony in Singapore and showed care for the development of the religion in Singapore.
Mr Ng said that Madam Halimah had been a "Staunch supporter" of workers in her 33 years of service with the labour movement and as President.
"If there is one individual who holds a special place in her heart for workers, it is undoubtedly Madam President Halimah Yacob," he said.
HOLDING THE SECOND KEY TO SINGAPORE'S RESERVES. Beyond championing social causes, Madam Halimah leaves a legacy as the President to have steered Singapore through a global pandemic, giving her assent to the government to draw on past reserves for COVID-19 public health expenditure.

Summary Source FAQ Feedback Top keywords: President^#1 Madam^#2 Halimah^#3 SINGAPORE^#4 work^#5
Post found in /worldnews and /ChannelNewsAsia.
NOTICE: This thread is for discussing the submission topic. Please do not discuss the concept of the autotldr bot here.

I love Tom and his mad energy. Some of the site's newer videos have been really quite good. They have both appeared in videos, just not together, not in the same room, not reviewing the same game. It is true, Matt Lees put out a 40-minute review of Frosthaven recently. And, with the pandemic included, it's not a huge amount of time apart.
And yet, there's a huge, gaping hole in my heart where a Matt-and-Quinns-helmed review of Jenga should be. And think of the weird skits they would make! And whatever happened to the wonderful Twitch board game streams where the two of them spent the whole time talking about how much they loved Chris Bratt?
Basically, what has made Shut Up and Sit Down great has been the top-gear-style format, where people would argue about things they loved. But that needs argument, which works best when people are in the same place.
What I'm saying is, I really need some assurance that Matt and Quinns are still gaming together, and they still enjoy making videos about games. And yes, I understand it's difficult when Matt has been moving house, living in NotBrighton, etc, and I wish them all the best.
But what about MY mental health, Shut Up and Sit Down?
Is there any chance we could have (for example) a livestream where the four of them just play games for an afternoon and talk about random stuff? Or you know, it doesn't have to be board games, we can just... chat I guess? I can cook? Or yeah, if you guys wanna go to the pub we can go there, I spose, or... Cards against Humanity? Guys?
I guess what I'm asking is, if the tireless and hardworking SUSD crew would perhaps consider "not having lives" so that they can focus on our collective mental health, I would appreciate it. Maybe anyone in the UK could see if there's any possibility of legally detaining them together, Julian Assange style- just a suggestion.

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Abrazo Health	Registered Nurse for Abrazo Heart Institute	Phoenix
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Abrazo Health	CARDIAC RN's Abrazo Scottsdale Hospital	Phoenix
GQR Healthcare	Registered Nurse (RN) $10-$20k Sign-On Progressive Care Unit	Phoenix
United Surgical Partners International, Inc	RN Clinical Manager FT Urology ASC Phoenix-Downtown	Phoenix
American Family Medicine Phoenix	Family Nurse Practitioner	Phoenix

Hey guys, here are some recent job openings in phoenix. Feel free to comment here or send me a private message if you have any questions, I'm at the community's disposal! If you encounter any problems with any of these job openings please let me know that I will modify the table accordingly. Thanks!

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What is ashwagandha?
The ashwagandha plant is one of the most powerful herbs. Various parts of the ashwagandha plant are used for medicinal purposes, with ashwagandha extract mainly being used in supplements. Ashwagandha is an adaptogen, a natural agent that reportedly helps the body cope with stress. As a result, it’s believed to be effective at helping reduce levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. It may also therefore potentially help with anxiety and depression too.
What does ashwagandha do?
Reduces Stress and Anxiety
Ashwagandha is known to help reduce stress and anxiety. One way it does this is by reducing levels of cortisol, a hormone that is released in response to stress. Additionally, ashwagandha has been shown to improve mood and cognitive function, both of which can be negatively affected by stress.
Enhances Cognitive Function
Ashwagandha has also been shown to improve cognitive function. One study showed that it improved memory and reaction time in healthy adults. Another study found that it improved task performance in people with ADHD. Additionally, ashwagandha may help prevent age-related cognitive decline.
Boosts Energy Levels
Ashwagandha has been shown to boost energy levels. One study showed that it increased stamina and reduced fatigue in people with chronic fatigue syndrome. Additionally, ashwagandha may help improve exercise performance.
Additionally, ashwagandha may also help improve sleep quality and reduce inflammation. These effects can all contribute to enhanced energy levels.
Regulates Blood Sugar Levels
Ashwagandha has been shown to help regulate blood sugar levels. One study showed that it improved insulin sensitivity in people with type II diabetes. Additionally, ashwagandha may help reduce fasting blood sugar levels and improve symptoms of diabetes.
Additionally, ashwagandha may also help lower cholesterol levels and protect against heart disease. These effects can also contribute to improved blood sugar control.
Lowers Blood Pressure
Ashwagandha has been shown to help lower blood pressure. One study showed that it improved blood pressure in people with hypertension. Additionally, ashwagandha may help reduce stress and anxiety, both of which can contribute to high blood pressure.
Is ashwagandha safe?
Ashwagandha is generally considered safe for most people. However, it can cause side effects such as stomach upset, diarrhea, and vomiting in some people. If you're pregnant or breastfeeding, it's best to avoid ashwagandha.
What happens when you take ashwagandha daily?
As a sleep aid, ashwagandha may help people get to sleep faster and stay asleep for longer. It is also used to promote male potency. Ashwagandha has a variety of health benefits, including reduced blood sugar levels, inflammation, mood, memory, stress and anxiety relief, as well as an increase in muscle strength and fertility. Depending on your requirements, dosages vary from 250 to 500 mg per day for at least one month.
When it comes to stress relief, ashwagandha may be as effective as some prescription medications. A 2010 study found that the herb was just as effective as lorazepam (Ativan) in reducing stress and anxiety. click the link below to learn more about abhwagandha, and its real health benefits.
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If I smoke weed just after riding my bike, will I suffer health issues like chest pains or even heart attacks?

Back in India I used to score only 10s or 9s nothing less. I had my own standards and I considered myself as a high value guy. I’ve never even bothered to look at an average looking girl. They were completely addicted or obsessed having sex with me even though they were in love and I wasn’t up for anything serious. I’m not the kinda guy who puts his dick into anything he sees. I had my friends I grew up with and they were the world to me. We rolled like gangstas with crazy hot chicks in rotation wherever we went.
So later on in life i had to moved to Australia for my higher studies. I was really excited since people there are way more open minded and casual sex isn’t a big deal over there. But didn’t know it would be a life changing decision.
Ever since I came here I’ve been busy working part time and studying really hard since my subjects are damn tough. I barely had time to cook my own food, do my own laundry, clean my room etc etc etc. After a point it seemed like as if I had lost my game. I wasn’t meeting any people. Slowly my expectations started to decrease and the only girls I could go out with were 5s or 6s. Even they friendzoned me and I got the title of being a “nice guy”. It was like I forgot how to make the next move. I was just stuck. I was very very sexually frustrated. Comparing myself with the past my confidence level went down even more. It hit back to me again and again what kind of a guy I was back in India and what kind of a loser I’ve become now. I totally gave up on going after girls and kinda made peace with working on myself first. Everything in life was set except for my sex life.
So I’ve got this fat loser kinda co-worker with me who started talking about the escorts randomly. He was telling how amazing it is to pay to have sex and he’d never have to chase a girl anymore. But low-key he would never ever get any girl even if he tried to. I didn’t really pay much attention to it but later that night I saw an ad on some website saying “local hookers near you”. I kinda wanted to check out what’s the hype all about. So I clicked the website. My already sick brain became more infected looking at the amount of hot girls there. I was earning too much that spending money on these girls would barely make a difference to my account balance. I came across a lot of straight forward descriptions like 30min- full service, blowjob and all that kinda shit. But they were all very very average looking and the decent ones were way out of my budget. My completely infected brain got addicted to the website. I started texting around 40 to 50 girls spending the whole day asking for rates and nudes, Carefully filtered out the decent one I could sleep with and made a booking. At this moment my brain was really excited that I don’t have to feel sad about not getting girls anymore but my gut felt very wrong saying that I shouldn’t do this.
My heart was beating really fast a few hours before the booking. It was a weird feeling I wasn’t either relieved or scared. I parked my car far away from the place and started walking with a pack of condom, 400 dollars in cash and my car key. While walking to the place I made peace thinking okay it’s just like any other hookup except the fact that I have to pay her at the end. So I put on a smile on my silly face successfully forgetting the fact that I’m paying her to have sex. I convinced myself it’s just me getting back in the game.
So I got there and I called her to ask which door number it is. She didn’t pick my call up. She continued texting me giving me directions and finally I ended up in a shady ass house. There was a sitting area with a board “Do not smoke” and the entire house inside was lit up in red colour. I texted her what should I do now and she asked me to sit in that bench and wait for her to come out. After 20minutes there came a women around the age 30ish with poor makeup and acne scars all over the face with a smokin hot plastic body. It wasn’t what I saw in the picture at all but it didn’t click me at this point. She asked me to come in and to her bedroom. Me just being myself tried to make a light conversation with her and making some flirty jokes. But all she replied was “yes babe”, “Ikr baby” which kinda turned me off. She was also busy on her phone. Something was off. She then asked does my phone number end with 43 or 21. I told my number was 43. She then gave me a look like she sorted out something and asked for the money. Me who had no idea what was going on gave her the money. She asked me to sit in this bedroom while she’ll come back in 20min finishing the other guy. So basically what had happened was She realised she had messed up the entire timetable on her day and there was another guy supposed be there before me. I felt utterly disturbed and disgusted when I heard that. I was like what the actual fuck???
I don’t know what got into me at this point. I got really pumped up and held the door back as she tried to close it. I said I don’t want to do this anymore (very respectfully), got the money back and stormed to walk outside back to my car. This walk back to my car parked 15min away reset me back and in fact gave me a new perspective.
Sex isn’t everything. Probably I was a huge player back then but I wasn’t entirely focused on sex. I made connections with the girls I met and I cared for them. 10s or 9s or 4s or 1s I loved spending time with everyone. Maybe I was only sexually attracted to certain girls who were hot to me. Maybe I liked the feeling that I had more options and sex was just a part of it. I loved spending time with everyone and I had shit going on in my life. It’s like the moment when you don’t expect or try for anything is when the universe gives it to you. I loved my friends who supported me morally and also whom I loved partying and snorting lines with. That’s probably why I didn’t try really hard to get a girl to satisfy my loneliness and that’s why I had it easy with scoring girls. It’s okay that I don’t got such friends here but now I can actually take care of my own shit. Now is the time I make some self improvements, learn a new skill, explore my interests, travel the places I’ve never been to, make connections with new people in a new country and finally talk to girls without the intention to get laid.
The Moral of my life experience is:
Having desires for someone is one thing and desperately trying to put your dick into anything is something else.

Title: "Stellar Thrones: A Galactic Saga"
Pitch:
In a distant future where space-faring civilizations thrive across the cosmos, "Stellar Thrones" weaves an epic tale of power, love, and betrayal that blends the grandeur of "Game of Thrones" with the otherworldly wonders of "Star Wars."
At the heart of the story is Queen Beeza II, the rightful ruler of the Orien Federation, and her rival, Queen Kyra I, the formidable leader of the Orien Empire. Inspired by the historical figure Mary Queen of Scots, Beeza returns to her home planet after her marriage, only to face mounting opposition from her own people. Unbeknownst to her, her own half-brother, Kellan, is secretly working for Kyra, harboring a forbidden love for Elizabeth, Beeza's cousin and confidante.
The stage is set for an intergalactic conflict as two galaxies align behind their respective queens. Kyra claims supremacy through her lineage, while Beeza fights to uphold her rightful reign. Their clash echoes across the cosmos, with factions pledging loyalty, betrayals brewing in the shadows, and the destiny of entire worlds hanging in the balance.
Amidst this backdrop of political intrigue, dynamic alliances, and forbidden romance, the story explores themes of identity, family, and the sacrifices made in pursuit of power. As Beeza navigates treacherous court politics and unexpected challenges, she must confront her own doubts and fears, while Kyra's relentless pursuit of dominance threatens to reshape the galaxy forever.
From the breathtaking landscapes of alien planets to the pulsating heart of majestic space battles, "Stellar Thrones" takes readers on a thrilling journey through a universe teeming with vibrant characters, fantastical creatures, and futuristic technologies. The story merges the elegance of royal courts with the awe-inspiring wonders of the cosmos, delivering a unique blend of space opera and medieval intrigue that will captivate fans of both genres.
With its richly developed universe, complex characters, and a narrative that balances political maneuverings, personal dramas, and epic conflicts, "Stellar Thrones" invites readers to immerse themselves in a saga that unfolds across star systems and challenges the boundaries of empires. Prepare to embark on a grand adventure where loyalty, love, and the pursuit of power collide in a cosmic dance, leaving a lasting impact on the galaxy's fate.

Hey everyone, this is my first post, I'm a 27 yrs old dude from Croatia that struggles with some mental health stuff, sorry if my English isn't the best but I'll try to explain everything. So yeah, where to start, since elementary school and high school I had started to develope anxiety and depression, it was subtle at first, nothing too serious, I had my friends, hobbies, art, music, things that I had to do that had my attention like studying or hanging out with friends, casual stuff, I was just your ordinary happy-go-lucky teen that was going his own way, but I also experienced strong emotions, from empathy although some people say it ain't a feeling but more of an action that can accompany feelings but yeah, I experienced falling in love, was dating a lot, but got also my heart broken, and when it happened boy did it hurt. I got past those things although in this state it's easy to go through memory lane and rewind your whole life, especially those things that we regret or are sad or angry about. I won't go into much details as to share my whole life story in every aspect but basically, for the past few years my mental health got really, really bad.
Thing is doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, well at least to some degree. I went to college, was studying but there were also some stressful things happening at the time. To cut things short, one day as I was on my college studies, I was trying to listen to the professor and read the presentation but it felt like nothing remained in my head, at first it was strange, I was 22 at that time, anyway I came home in tears, I thought things started to go downhill from there, I visited some psychologists that diagnosed me just with severe depression that was all over the scales, but that I still somehow had my cognitive functions in check, which I didn't believe her, I still was feeling strange and foggy. Also to mention at one moment, still early in my diagnosis part I thought I became crazy or experienced one of my worst anxiety attacks while being home with my family, maybe it was the latter.
My gf at that time left me, because I also became emotionally numb and unstable, I just didn't know what was happening to me and couldn't figure out how to handle it, anyway the breakup made things ten times worse, from there my battle just started.
I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depressive-anxiety disorder, also she added that I might have BPD. I also had to quit college for good because my symptoms were all over the place and what I thought that would be a months battle became a five years struggle, it feels like my mind is in this deep fog and blankness, and "tightness", not completely deprived of thoughts, because everything I wrote here is a product of some thinking process. But it's like I can't remember my normal life or myself as a whole person with all the good things, personality, I can't feel the good emotions, like whatever I do I don't get the stimulation. My long-term and short-term memory is also impaired, I have a hard time visualizing or picturing things in my head, although I had no problems with it in the past. I don't feel emotional connections towards my family and friends, it's like I have this intellectual connection, I know them I just don't feel like that.
After I went to my psychiatrist (I changed few) I was put one some antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication but nothing seemed to work for me so I had to quit. I was desperate as nothing seemed to work and I felt totally out of it. Dark thoughts started to overwhelm me, but that part I'd like to skip. I did all the blood tests, for testosterone and other hormones, got my thyroid checked, EEG, MRI, everything was clean.
After the failed therapy I somehow went into remission, it seemed that whatever was going on with me came to a still, I started focusing more on healthy changes, my sleep was also a mess after everything I went through so it became somewhat normal, that was before 4 years ago.
Now at 27, my state is probably the worst it has ever been. In the meantime some additional stressors came, I started to experience panic attacks, which lead to panic disorder and agoraphobia. My depression as for now is treatment-resistant and the other worldy feeling might have to do with dissociation on some spectrum which just brings more anxiety and depression, but whatever it is it feels chronic, I don't get breaks from it and for that my doctors never officially diagnosed me but rather said that I might have psychosis and gave anti-psychotics which wrecked me even more. Sometimes I get psychosomatic pain, like my head is full of something which generates suicidal thoughts as well it feels like some kind of pressure or as if my head is boiling or more of a static feeling I don't know. Everything that I took medication wise brought no kind of relief, maybe some benzo but you know that ain't the best route to go, my friends are supportive but them not knowing what it's like to go through this 24/7 still makes me feel sad and isolated and I don't blame anyone, fighting those kinds of invisible illnesses is hard to fight as much as it is to explain to someone that doesn't go through the same things.
Now I live with my parents, I can't work or study. I just feel fatigue because of everything. It came to the point where I can't function even on this level on which I am now. I literally can't envision myself living much longer like this, as I'm writing this I lay on my couche, I'm tired, I tried. I know that life is beautiful, at least I try to remember it as such. I have good parents and siblings, my parents were there for me, as were my friends that still remained in my life no matter the problems that I have, I don't wish to hurt anyone's feelings it's just that I can't cope with the emotional and mental pain and the anguish it brought, not just for me but my loved ones, I might not feel it as strongly but I know that there is pain and confusion from their part too.
Now my family and myself just pray as I still try to hold on. To anyone reading this, whatever you are going through, be it mental illness or emotional pain, I pray and wish you healing, peace, love and hugs. Wherever you are, I might not know you but I understand the pain, the struggle, but you are here, I wish you all life and joy.